Tuesday @ 10:41 pm

I’m sitting in my room, under this fan trying to stay cool. I worked 10-5 today at my second job and I’m just trying to enjoy the time I have to myself right now.

But I’m annoyed. And I have no clue as to why.

Since coming home for the summer in the middle of May, I feel like I have started my series of transition & change that was bound to happen.  Ever just feel like your life starts to go on this spiral of sucking? Well that was how I started to feel once I came home. Number of things weren’t happening the way I thought they were going too. The first was actually accepting the fact that I would be spending yet another summer in Rochester. It’s where I’m from, born and raised. I don’t hate Rochester really, but I don’t like it. Rochester is a decent town, it has a lot of nice things and is a very pretty city. But I think the thing that brings Rochester from about 9 to 3, is the people. The limited mindsets here are enough to drive you crazy, especially after living in NYC for two years. I didn’t try hard enough to stay up in NYC for the summer, well let’s be honest I didn’t try at all. The stress of school got to me and I knew that some things would work out for me back home so I just decided to come back to Rochester. But it wasn’t until I moved back home, that I realize I had made one of the biggest mistakes ever. Forget that I would be home, I’m used to it being just me and my mom in the house and I’m used to her so that wasn’t really the issue. It was being here in Rochester, with the same basic people doing the same basic shit cause there isn’t shit else to do in this town. Once more I would have to deal with the basicness all over again and it was accepting the decision I made (or lack thereof).

The second thing that wasn’t really going to my way was my “love life”. I had just met someone maybe two weeks before I moved out of school and I was so thrilled about it. I had been crushing on this person for quite some time now and the fact that it was actually happening was kind of surreal. There were things about him that threw some flags but I was so into what was happening, I just chose to act like it didn’t matter. Big mistake on my part. Things were progressing fast (or so I thought) but it seemed it the minute I got back home, things just took a turn for the worse. Barely speaking to him, when we did talk I was the one reaching out to speak to him first and after hours when he chose to respond, the conversation just never went anywhere. Since I tend to blame myself for most things (lol all things), I turned this on myself like did I do something wrong. I tried to blame it on the distance, the timing, the lack of communication but after crying and complaining more than enough, I finally decided to let it go. And once I let it go, I realized he wasn’t shit to begin with. I was so hook on trying to help him figure himself out and have us grow into something. Now that I’m writing this, this all sounds so stupid that I can’t even believe I let myself go to a place like this. But long story short, through Twitter I found out that 1) he’s in a relationship of some sort with a girl who I assume would be his ex, 2) he’s immature, childish and a brat and 3) has a lot of weird and jackass opinions about life. So needless this to say, I really needed something like this in my life right to just make everything better (*cues sarcasm*)

And probably the last thing that has really been challenged are the various friendships in my life. I am a very social person, I know a lot of people. I am naturally friendly, I like meeting new people and talking to people. Looking on the outside in, you would think that I have plenty of friendships in my life. Well that’s where you would be wrong if you made that assumption. I have friends, but I would consider my circle to be extremely small. I have had to realize that using the term friend adds a lot of expectations from the people in your life and that is how you get disappointed. So naturally I had broken the people in my life into two groups: people who are for me vs. people who are against me. The “people who are against me” group has only seemed to be growing more and more since I’ve gotten home. Relationships/”Friendships” that I’ve had since high school that I am now starting to realize were never real in the first place are starting to rear their ugly head. The constant feeling of being left out, friends steady making plans without you but claim they wanna to see you. The friendships were the people aren’t against you on purpose but since they have so much of their own life to they can’t accept they’d chose to hate on you since it appears you have it all together. It’s those friendships were everything was all cool but the minute they got a boyfriend, they turned into a completely different person. And the weird thing about this, my lack of friends truly only exists when I’m back home. Back at school, the people who I chose to surround myself with genuinely care about me and want nothing for the best of me, a feeling that is truly mutual with those friends. But when I’m home, I feel alone. I actually become more content with staying home doing absolutely nothing than being around people who I don’t myself around. I’m slowly but surely losing the ability to pretend or fake things because there are too many things I can’t afford to miss. So if that means I got enjoy the pleasure of my own company, then I guess I’m solo dolo.

So its 11:28 now and I’m trying to relax still. I’m back working at my old job, and it’s like I never left. I’m working with people who I like, the kids remember me and things are great. There’s a quote I saw “Be Ready, but be patient”. I’m starting to come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I’m home, but while I’m home I’m gonna use this time to get ahead on certain things so that once I’m back at school, moves will already be in place. I’m single, and I’m scared to even be actively looking for anyone. If it’s not the real thing, then I want no parts of it. But I know I’m gonna meet someone that’s change a lot of that and I’m gonna fall right back into that “crushing hard” stage. To be honest, there’s a guy at my second job right now that is literally perfect but I don’t want to put in any effort, cause starting next week he’s working somewhere else. And I don’t need anymore egg on my face right now. I’m alone, I really don’t have people who I can just get up and go with. I’m trying my hardest to give people the chances they really don’t deserve but I just keep reminding myself that in about two months, I’ll be back at school with my friends and with my whole life ahead of me. Be ready but be patient.

I think I’m getting ready so let me practice being patient. Minor setback for a major comeback.


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