Confidence has been something for the longest that I have struggled with. I was never to say that I had low self esteem “on purpose” if that makes sense. I didn’t purposely hate myself. I didn’t purposely harm myself. But without even realizing it, I always made myself not feel good enough or always judged myself against other people.
I’ve always had friends or something that without really examining it seemed like friends. I was always around people, because unknowingly I was doing everything I could do to keep them because I felt that’s what I had to do. I was loyal to a fault, I was always there for everyone else but there always that feeling at the end of the day that the people I chose to be around weren’t necessarily there for me.
I can admit. I have always been someone who tended to try to hard because of the feeling of missing out. I’ve always wanted a best friend. You know the kind of best friend that has been there since you were babies and you’ve grown up together and you can tell all of your fears, stories, secrets to. Well I’ve never had that, and that’s why I tend to be the ultimate good friend to the friends I have know, hoping that there will be one lucky one there that will fill that best friend void.
I’ve always wanted a boyfriend. I’ve always wanted to meet that guy who is nothing but a good friend to me. And he sees all of my flaws, goals, personality and falls completely in love with me. Someone who will want something more than sex or a hookup, but genuinely wants something that reflects a tale out of a storybook. But it hasn’t happened yet. So from the FOMO, I’ve always tried to hard (and failed) at really just having a simple relationships without expecting something grand to happen.
It’s these things that really eat away at my confidence because there are lots of moments where my thoughts get the best of me and I end up thinking that there is something wrong with me. And I try to change in hope that it will bring what I want to me. My “changes” were always superficial, the only person I convinced that I had changed would be myself. I never did the dirty work. Until this summer.
From the middle of May, I felt as though the odds were stacked against me. I was back home in city with people are going nowhere fast working at a job I didn’t like. My friends were doing the same thing as before and I felt like being home was just a downward spiral. I’d sit in the house every day for weeks just sobbing and pitiful because I couldn’t see how the summer would be beneficial. I was a mess, I was depressed because I couldn’t see past these next few months.
Things happened, and they weren’t things I wanted to happen. I continued to be feel as though everything was sucking on purpose and I was just like a bratty teenager who couldn’t have her way. But I had to take a moment, and reflect. Was it really the world’s fault that everything was happening the way it was? It was the way that life goes, Tori and there is something you can do about it. You can either let it get the best of you or take it head on, and start to rewrite the story. So after crying and complaining, I finally decided to get up and do.
I’m thankful for God and having faith. Without either of the two, I doubt I would be able to believe that there is something better and greater for my life. While my faith is no where at the level it should be, it’s continuing to grow and grow each day. Faith without works is dead, so thank God for Faith being the motivator for us to put that work in.
I’m thankful for people who see the best in you, especially in those moments where it is so hard to see it for ourselves. There are people in your life that will see so much in you and won’t stop trying to get you to see it because they want you to experience how great you are.
Since faith without works is dead, I had to start to put the work in. And once I put the work into becoming a better me, doors started opening. There are various opportunities and doors that are starting to open in my life that wouldn’t have happened if I continue to be the same person I was back in the middle of May. Diamonds don’t become diamonds without being under pressure.
Confidence is much more than happiness, in fact I think happiness isn’t essential to confidence. Confidence is knowing about yourself; knowing who you are and the flaws you have and accepting it. Confidence is not letting the simple attacks from people get to you, confidence is able to laugh in the face of adversity. Confidence is never apologizing for being yourself. And Confidence is being able continue to live day by day because you know you haven’t been able to use yourself in a position to show how great you are. It’ll be hard, it’ll be a long journey and it’ll make you wanna give up sometimes. But as long as you know who you are and what you have to offer, then NOBODY can stop YOU!