All day I’ve felt like writing. All day it’s been pressing me, and I guess because I’m sitting here in the laundromat I found this to be a prime time to finally let my thoughts come out of my head.
Writing has become my refuge, writing has become that thing I do when nothing is really making sense, writing has been the thing I do to show my obiedience to God. As I have recently picked up the pen again, I’m owning more of my voice – something that once was foreign to me. I’m not #thinkpiece writer or the #bigword writer – but I write. When all else fails, writing won’t.
I always do my best to keep my writing polished but today I’m just not feeling it. Today I wanna let it all out.
Current mood – frustrated. Honestly ya’ll, that’s been my mood all summer.
I’m frustrated with my open ended situations. I’m frustrated with not knowing anything. I’m frustrated with the feeling of being stagnant. I’m frustrated by my anxiety. I’m frustrated with trying to trust God and not get in his way. I’m frustrated with forcing myself to hope everyday when I just want to give up. Frustrated.
I woke up this morning with the worst anxiety after having a dream that should’ve given me comfort. I’ve been doing so well – this past week was great. There are so many things to be anxious about but on the flip, so many things to be excited for. But somehow, someway I feel left behind. Kinda feel like that kid sitting in the house doing their work while everybody else gets to play.
I hate this, I really do. I hate that because I don’t have clarity – I keep letting myself get stuck. I just want answers, I just want to know what to do next, I just want to know what’s good. Like really, what’s good?
And I guess that’s just it. You never really know until it’s time to. You have to sit and be patient. But this shit sucks, sitting here thinking every thought possible when it’s just as simple as knowing what’s really good?